Feeling Love

DSC_0022
It was in my twenties when I realized that I was looking for love in others because I felt incomplete. I was looking for love from others to help me to feel whole. This realization didn’t just come to me. No, I had to go through great suffering first. Time after time, it had to be shown to me – how the love that I knew could be hurtful, jealous, critical, shameful, conditional.  It was something that I was spinning in, unable to tell top from bottom.  Love was my favorite roller coaster that would take me to the very exhilarating top and then drop me so hard and fast that my stomach was left somewhere in space.  I lived for the highs and rolled in the mud of the lows. I got dirty and soared- AND… MANY OF THE FEELINGS I FELT WERE BASED UPON HOW SOMEONE FELT ABOUT  ME!  The wall I was banging my head against was hard.

Finally, bloodied and broken and down on my knees-  I found it…the answer.  It wasn’t outside of me, it was INSIDE of me.  I AM LOVE!  My true self is perfect.  I am part of an amazing energy that I call The Universe.  The Universe is divine, therefore so am I.  As this realization came so did the teachers, Marianne Williamson and her book A Return to Love , Deepak Chopra, Timeless Body, Ageless Mind, Gary Zukav, and Clem Chang who taught me Qi Gong.

Since then, the teachers have been far too many to name.  The practice continues.  I am human.  I forget easily.  Through my meditation and mindfulness practice, regular affirmations and surrounding myself with positive people, I can see and feel the love that I am.

 

Of letting go…Surender.

cropped-dsc_04441.jpg Life is a struggle from the beginning.  It takes all your energy, all of your letting go to allow what needs to happen to happen.  And in that part of the sentence, lies the key.  If a baby were to struggle, fight (which maybe they sometimes do), things don’t get easier, they become more difficult.  The baby might have to be taken with forceps or C-section which is much more traumatic for the baby.   But if the baby naturally goes with the contractions that are meant to ease the baby out, it is less traumatic…difficult, yes, but a necessary process.

I have been fighting a process. The process of the dissolution of my marriage. I sooooo wanted it to work. I was going to fix it- all by myself! I laugh when I say that because that is crazy thinking. How am I suppose to do THAT when the definition of a relationship is the state of being interrelated, connected? I need the other half to connect to and that other half needs to want to connect with me.

So, I have been struggling, resisting, clinging to what I know…the womb. I don’t want to come out! I don’t want to face the unknown! I KNOW what the womb is like…I know how my husband’s arms feel around me. I know his quirks, his routines, his likes and dislikes. I know what to expect and not what to expect. Yet something was moving me. A force bigger than myself that was pushing me out, making me experience the unknown; this grief, this black pit called despair, bringing me to my knees (literally), sobbing uncontrollably.

Through this I am finding that the only way I can survive is by surrendering. Because every time I struggle, things get worse. The noose gets tighter and I fall harder. So I surrender. I have been brought to prayer, meditation, and yoga. And as I surrender, more things come to my aid; a phrase, a kind wish, a thoughtful phone call, a cup of tea, a shoulder to cry on. I have found through surrender a Power Greater Than Myself. I have been standing on the edge of a bridge many days and something gets me off the ledge. That makes me wonder: would I have found such faith had I not been given these struggles?

Someone said something that resonated with me this week. She said, “There is a possibility that things could get better.” I thought to myself, ‘Yes, there is. They could get worse BUT there is the possibility that after divorce, things could be better.’ I am scared. I am not always so hopeful when so much is coming at me all at once but in THIS moment, and this moment is the ONLY moment I can be assured of…THIS moment is good. I am open to the possibilities.

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven’t yet come to the end of themselves. We’re still trying to give orders, and interfering with God’s work within us. ”
― A.W. Tozer

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”
― Marianne Williamson

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.”
― Bede Griffiths

Yamuna Body Rolling

 

I am headed off to New York City tomorrow to the Flagship Studio of Yamuna Body Rolling.  I am so very excited to be adding to my repertoire of healing exercises.

Check out the video and I will post more as I train and learn.

Namaste,

Carrie

The Internal Observer- practicing detachment

This video, by Humanity Healing is a great starting point for a discussion about detachment. What does it bring up for you? Have you been in a situation where you have been able to respond vs. react? What does it mean for you to observe your human form from a soul level?

Leave a comment and let’s ponder this rather large concept.

Positive thoughts create positive outcomes- go after what you want!

“You become what you think about most of the time.” – Brian Tracy

 “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” – Claude M. Bristol

Image

CMG original photo

I, like most humans, can worry about things.  There were times in my life that I felt there wasn’t anything else to do but either be in a state of bliss or be in a state of dysfunction and worry.  I know now that there is a way to be more balanced, to be more present- two things, meditation and positive affirmations.

Meditation provides me with a tool to become more present and by living in the present, more positive.  By focusing on my breath during meditation and allowing thoughts to arise and fall away, by coming back to my breath, I more quickly recognize the moments I fall into worry and distress or thinking about the past or the future.  Many times, thinking about the past or the future can cause people distress or do the opposite by taking you away to a fantasy of better times or a special moment you keep reliving but doesn’t exist anymore.

I have learned that my future is created in the moment.  What I do today, right now, is creating my evening, my tomorrow.  Live in the present and live it well.

Affirmations help me to live in the present in the best way I can and to feel good about myself while I am doing it.

We all have these negative tapes that we replay in our heads.  “My hair is horrible.”  “My clothes don’t fit right.”  “I can’t do this.”  As a yoga instructor, I even hear people saying them aloud!  “I am so out of shape.”  REPHRASE that!!!  “I am getting stronger….I am here doing yoga, I am soooo awesome!”

Affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself, beliefs that you wish to change.  Some places that you could use affirmations in your life might be around your body image, your career, your relationships and your money situation. When do you hear that voice that says you can’t or you don’t?   Create positive statements for some of these.

If you hear yourself saying negative things around money, maybe you need to say, “Money comes easily and frequently.”  If it is around your body image, maybe you need to say, “ I have a strong and healthy body.”  Try some.  They aren’t permanent.  You can change them but say them daily, write them down and post them around your house.  We receive so many negatives on a daily basis.  We need to remember for every negative we must hear 10 positives to counter that one negative.

Note: affirmations aren’t LIES!  Some people have said to me, Carrie, I am 30 pounds overweight, how can I say I am healthy when I really am not?  I say, what you think and say is what you become.  Imagine yourself without that weight, imagine yourself eating differently, is it getting you to where you want by telling yourself how unhealthy you are?  I don’t think so.  Is worrying about a situation going to make it better?  No.  Think positive, create an affirmation for yourself and your life today!

Are you PRE-suffering?

“Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 

How many times have I anticipated suffering, or created suffering before it happens thus PRE-suffering? Oh…many! I can get myself so wound up over stuff that hasn’t even happened yet thus ruining the present moment…huh, I am not even in the present when I am PRE-suffering, I am somewhere in the non-existent future that I have created in my head!!

I heard someone use this term last night and WOW…it just resonated through my whole being. “PRE-SUFFERING”. This is definitely something I can try and let go of. But how?

This is present moment and breath work. For me, meditation and yoga help with this. Focusing my mind on my breath during yoga, the movement from one posture to the next that aligns with my breath keeps me right there. It keeps me from thinking about thinking or thinking about the things that haven’t even happened yet. I enjoy Vinyasa yoga because it is a yoga practice that allows me to move. One breath to one movement- it seems very natural to me.

Sitting meditation also helps me to remain sane and in the moment but honestly is more difficult for me because I am sitting and not moving. Thoughts come into my head on a regular basis even though I have been meditating for twenty years. The process of letting them go and focusing on my breath is more automatic than it used to be but it is still a work in process.

The most difficult thing for me is getting myself un-stuck and out of the PRE-suffering black hole that once I am there is like space…never ending. I like that I can put a name to it now. It will help me to more easily identify this thinking. It lends me perspective which then guides me through the five other “P’s”- pain, prayer, patience, process and payoff. These are from the book, Paths to Recovery. John Maxwell also has a similar idea that I have spoken about before in his book Today Matters. I recommend both.

Just for today, start to notice your pre-suffering. Are you experiencing pain or anguish about something that hasn’t even happened yet? Are you anticipating bad things happening to you? Take a moment and breathe, connect to your source, go for a walk, do yoga, do what works to bring peace around you. I know you can!

Are you stuck in S.H.I.T? How to tame your dragon.

The dragon within us (CMG original)

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

― Plato

I can easily get caught up in S.H.I.T.  For me, S.H.I.T is this feeling of being overwhelmed with my life, an inability to control situations, thinking that I have to do it all and then making that happen, wondering if anyone that is part of my life will just get their SHIT together and make my life easier?  Have YOU ever had this feeling?

S.H.I.T is an acronym that stands for Super High Intensity Thinking.  And although I’d like to say I coined this phrase, I did not.  An Al-Anon member who heard it from a speaker at a conference retold this story to me.  I’m still researching the source and when I find it, I want to give this person credit because this acronym has stuck in my head and is useful.

Super High Intensity Thinking is something I bet many of you can relate to.  I was just reading an interview of the author, Kelly McGonigal who has written The Neuroscience of Change, in the October issue of  Yoga Journal and she states that “Neuroscientists have found that everyone has a default state that the brain shifts into when we’re not fully immersed in an activity.  This state things about the future and past, makes judgments, and categorizes and compares everything.”  Ahhhhhh…. What a relief that is!  I thought I was just nuts!  Our brains are really hard wired with this chattering state and if left to its own devices, it would continue to go on this rampage.

How do you know when you’re in S.H.I.T. mode and how can you get out?  Ask yourself these questions: What patterns of your behavior tend to repeat themselves?  Do you have a default mode of thinking?  Is your default mode of thinking negative affirmations that sound like; “I can’t do it all,” “I am incapable, not loveable,” “I will always be alone”.  Or maybe your voice speaks to you like this; “People are always trying to screw me”, “How come all the jackasses are on the road when I am?” “ Why doesn’t anything work for _________ (insert your name here).”    It could be that S.H.I.T. not only sounds a certain way but may look a certain way.  Are you running around to every crisis that isn’t yours?  Are you fixing things that aren’t yours to fix or helping those that you think need helping?  This is all S.H.I.T.!!!

How do we get out of S.H.I.T.?  McGonigal states that “mindfulness practices like yoga and meditation can take us temporarily out of the default state of the mind and into an experiencing state.”  It’s about compassion, compassion for yourself and for others.  The brain will continually try and go back to its default stage.  It will remind you how uncomfortable mindfulness or yoga is and try to get back to its comfort zone… S.H.I.T. mode.  Knowing this, you can continue to focus on self-compassion and care.  Know that the only way out of S.H.I.T. is the awareness of it and then back to self-compassion and care.  AND once you begin to have compassion and care for yourself you can begin to see that everyone is just doing the best that they can given the tools that they have and you can start to feel compassion towards others.

With much love,

Carrie

Honor and Trust Your Gut

Image

Cherokee Park, October 2012 (CMG original)

I specifically remember times in my life that I had an inkling, a microsecond twang in my gut that I ignored. That microsecond cost me, many a times and for many years. It has taken me a long time to realize that those whisperings were coming from a higher source and that I need to find inner quiet in order to receive them.

At first, you may feel a feeling, literally in your gut. As a child you may have experienced this. Maybe you even got physically sick when things did not “feel” right? As an adult, it may be a soft whispering, a feeling of a heavy heart or “butterflies” in your stomach. Goosebumps may be a signal that something you are feeling is right on. Starting to notice these physical sensations is a start to tuning into to the higher vibrations of the Universe.

In today’s society, listening to your gut has become quite difficult. Society at large does not want us to be in tune with our Inner Self. There are distractions at every turn; TV, social networking, billboards, flashing lights, sounds. The ads tell us ‘you can be happy if you buy THIS!’ DISTRACTION!

Tune into your gut and tune out from the busyness all around you by taking time to be quiet each day. Personally, I like to get out into nature as much as I can but I don’t get to do it everyday. Some days I just find a quiet space in my home and focus on my breath. Light a candle, burn some incense, have a ritual to your quiet time. If you do yoga, do quiet yoga, move with your breath, do it slower than you normally do or sit longer in a posture. If a feeling arises, be with the feeling until it moves on. If a thought arises, let it go and come back to your breath.

If you haven’t ever taken time to be quiet start with 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes before you go to bed. You can do anything for 5 minutes!! Then, increase it over time. Try to commit to 15 minutes twice a day.

As you start to take time to be with yourself you will start to deepen the connection between your Inner Self and the Universe. That golden cord will strengthen and communication will be easier to receive.

Prayer for today:
“I ask that I be open today to be able to listen and hear my inner voice, the true voice of the Universe. Allow me to be quiet in my mind and heart so that I may receive the messages I need to hear.”

Namaste,
Carrie

Are you ready to really listen?

Port Wing, WI- Lake Superior (CMG original)

I was at an end of the summer gathering on Saturday night.  Lots of people were there.  Many I didn’t know and some I did.  As is usual for most people, I began talking first to the people I knew.

I am an extrovert- let’s get that straight – so, I can talk to almost anyone.  I enjoy finding out details about people.  I enjoy the small exchanges between others and myself.  I would have to say though, in the past, I spoke more than I listened.

Through my meditation, yoga work and spiritual readings I have been working on being quiet more.  I am a person who easily talks aloud, says things without thinking and can tell the wrong people too much information about myself.  My role as a teacher supports this talking and others constantly listening to what I say.  My ego is filled to the brim after a day at work!  Working on being quiet has taken many years.

Back at the party, I sat with some people I thought I knew and realized after listening that I never really knew them all that well.  I found out information that would have been helpful to me years ago but I was not ready to listen.  I truly believe that this was a set-up.  The Universe had set me up, again.  It brought these messages to me in the form of two human beings.  The messages were of the Divine.  And maybe the Universe had tried to give me these messages before but I was not listening.

How can we be quieter inside and out?  That is the question I pose today.  How can we truly listen to one another and hear the powerful voice of the Universe?  Each of us are just messengers designed to carry powerful, needed messages to move one another along.  What message might you have missed by not fully being present?  Of course, it will come up again because that is how this all shakes out.  As humans we enter into this play with many scenes, some scenes repeat themselves maybe with different players but with the same moral lesson until the play comes to an end and maybe, just maybe in some of the scenes we have found resolution.

My hope for you today is that you can find resolution to some of your scenes through listening.  Listen and be open to the people or circumstances that you encounter today.  What messages do they bring?  How might they be bringing you closer to the new scene?  To peace.

Namaste,

Carrie