It was in my twenties when I realized that I was looking for love in others because I felt incomplete. I was looking for love from others to help me to feel whole. This realization didn’t just come to me. No, I had to go through great suffering first. Time after time, it had to be shown to me – how the love that I knew could be hurtful, jealous, critical, shameful, conditional. It was something that I was spinning in, unable to tell top from bottom. Love was my favorite roller coaster that would take me to the very exhilarating top and then drop me so hard and fast that my stomach was left somewhere in space. I lived for the highs and rolled in the mud of the lows. I got dirty and soared- AND… MANY OF THE FEELINGS I FELT WERE BASED UPON HOW SOMEONE FELT ABOUT ME! The wall I was banging my head against was hard.
Finally, bloodied and broken and down on my knees- I found it…the answer. It wasn’t outside of me, it was INSIDE of me. I AM LOVE! My true self is perfect. I am part of an amazing energy that I call The Universe. The Universe is divine, therefore so am I. As this realization came so did the teachers, Marianne Williamson and her book A Return to Love , Deepak Chopra, Timeless Body, Ageless Mind, Gary Zukav, and Clem Chang who taught me Qi Gong.
Since then, the teachers have been far too many to name. The practice continues. I am human. I forget easily. Through my meditation and mindfulness practice, regular affirmations and surrounding myself with positive people, I can see and feel the love that I am.