Of letting go…Surender.

cropped-dsc_04441.jpg Life is a struggle from the beginning.  It takes all your energy, all of your letting go to allow what needs to happen to happen.  And in that part of the sentence, lies the key.  If a baby were to struggle, fight (which maybe they sometimes do), things don’t get easier, they become more difficult.  The baby might have to be taken with forceps or C-section which is much more traumatic for the baby.   But if the baby naturally goes with the contractions that are meant to ease the baby out, it is less traumatic…difficult, yes, but a necessary process.

I have been fighting a process. The process of the dissolution of my marriage. I sooooo wanted it to work. I was going to fix it- all by myself! I laugh when I say that because that is crazy thinking. How am I suppose to do THAT when the definition of a relationship is the state of being interrelated, connected? I need the other half to connect to and that other half needs to want to connect with me.

So, I have been struggling, resisting, clinging to what I know…the womb. I don’t want to come out! I don’t want to face the unknown! I KNOW what the womb is like…I know how my husband’s arms feel around me. I know his quirks, his routines, his likes and dislikes. I know what to expect and not what to expect. Yet something was moving me. A force bigger than myself that was pushing me out, making me experience the unknown; this grief, this black pit called despair, bringing me to my knees (literally), sobbing uncontrollably.

Through this I am finding that the only way I can survive is by surrendering. Because every time I struggle, things get worse. The noose gets tighter and I fall harder. So I surrender. I have been brought to prayer, meditation, and yoga. And as I surrender, more things come to my aid; a phrase, a kind wish, a thoughtful phone call, a cup of tea, a shoulder to cry on. I have found through surrender a Power Greater Than Myself. I have been standing on the edge of a bridge many days and something gets me off the ledge. That makes me wonder: would I have found such faith had I not been given these struggles?

Someone said something that resonated with me this week. She said, “There is a possibility that things could get better.” I thought to myself, ‘Yes, there is. They could get worse BUT there is the possibility that after divorce, things could be better.’ I am scared. I am not always so hopeful when so much is coming at me all at once but in THIS moment, and this moment is the ONLY moment I can be assured of…THIS moment is good. I am open to the possibilities.

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven’t yet come to the end of themselves. We’re still trying to give orders, and interfering with God’s work within us. ”
― A.W. Tozer

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”
― Marianne Williamson

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.”
― Bede Griffiths

Why do people lie, yell or steal?

I am re-reading “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson.  I read it almost 20 years ago and it changed my life!   Years went by, at times living life unconsciously, forgetting that in order to maintain my connection with SELF, my connection to the Divine or All That Is, I have to consciously work at it.

Marianne says, “When someone has behaved unlovingly – when they yell at us, or lie about us, or steal from us – they have lost touch with their essence.  They have forgotten who they are.  But everything that someone does, says the Course (she is referring to The Course in Miracles), is either ‘love or a call for love’.

This resonated with me.  This is ME!  This is my family, the people who I love.  I have behaved in ways I wish I had not.  But that action, that CRY for love, not love from someone outside of myself but for that love INSIDE, was my awakening.  The negative behavior from others was a cry for love.  Now the awakening didn’t happen overnight… but it comes around.  Right now, the awakening for me has come at a price of loss.  It is a struggle with my ego on a daily, no minute by minute basis to choose love and not fear.   To forgive others for wrongful behavior instead of condemning them.  To forgive myself.  Back to Marianne’s words: “When we are shaking a finger at someone, figuratively or literally, we are not more apt to correct their wrongful behavior.  Treating someone with compassion and forgiveness is much more likely to elicit a healed response.”

I choose LOVE. I choose to forgive. I choose to BE the change.

I imagine that this is what Essence/Love looks like.
Photo by: Carrie Garcia- 7/4/13 Circle Pines, MN
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Get SuperBetter!

Get SuperBetter!

I have started to play this game on-line.  It is a way to help me meet my goals, stay in the moment and appreciate life.

I found out about this game by watching a Ted Talk called “Life Hacks”.  The speaker that inspired me the most was American gamer Jane McGonigal. She gave an engaging speech that included research about four core areas that we need in our lives to stay engaged, and feel good about living.  They are: social, emotional, mental and physical.  SuperBetter sends you on quests to use these four areas and employs “allies” (friends that you can count on) to help you fight the bad guys and reach the next level getting closer to your goal every day.   

I highly encourage you to join me and play.  What do you have to loose?

Freedom is…being yourself

I am reading “The Five Levels of Attachment” by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.  If you have read “The Four Agreements”, the name Don Miguel Ruiz may look familiar to you.  His son has written this book which helps you to gain awareness of the agreements you have been making with yourself for years and how to let go of the attachments to the person you think you have to be so that you can be the person you REALLY ARE.

Here is an excerpt from his book that begins to describe how we attach on to certain ideas and images of who we are throughout our lives.  From there, awareness sets in and we can choose to accept and love ourselves for WHO WE ARE- RIGHT NOW!

The Five Levels of Attachment

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